raysrant

Rays Rant 2010

Rick:

Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all the stupid people.
I hope you learned from your parent’s mistakes and always use birth control.
But:
People can't say that you have absolutely nothing! After all, you have inferiority!
Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them. Unfortunately, you have none of the above.

Jeff:

No sense talking smack, some people can rip telephone books in half…you’d have trouble with a wet Kleenex.
Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.
If your dick was as big as your mouth you'd have a date tonight.
Nice face. Want a gun?

Marshall:

I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.
I don't know what makes you so stupid, but whatever it is, it really works! You should patent it.
Don’t worry, though. I don't think you are a fool. But then what's MY opinion against everyone elses?
Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

Stump:

I hear you were born on a farm. Were there any more in your litter?
I bet your mother has a loud bark!
We know that romance brings out the beast in you -- the jackass.
Talk all the shit you want this weekend, but being attacked by you is like being savaged by a dead sheep.

Slade:

Sure, I've seen people like you before - but I had to pay an admission...
Every guy has the right to be ugly, but DAMN DUDE, you abused the privilege!
Out of ten million sperm your daddy dropped...why you?
I would have been your dad but the guy in front of me had correct change.

Tony:

I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it.
If I ever need a brain transplant, I'd choose yours…It’s got less mileage.
I’d like you to tell me everything you know. It'll only take 10 seconds.
Even God was bored by you.

Ryan:

You were born in December, so what sign were you born under? I know what sign you were born under...it said 'RED LIGHT DISTRICT'
You must have a low opinion of people if you think you’re going to beat us this weekend.
The only things you ever make are mistakes and cigarette ashes.
Actually, you are one of the nicest old ladies I ever met.

Petzel

Shouldn't you have a license for being that ugly?
If I was as ugly as you were, I wouldn't say Hi to folk, I'd say BOO!
This is an excellent time for you to become a missing person.
Actually, I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

Oakes:

Why don't you slip into something more comfortable...like a coma?
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception
You're so ugly the tide won't even take you out.
Back in the day, do you remember the weird clothes that your Mom used to make you wear? You can stop now.

Junior:

Listen, are you always this stupid or are you just making a special effort for our benefit?
Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?
Nobody says that you are dumb. They just say you were sixteen years old before you learned how to wave goodbye.
I hope your partner came to play this year, because you're as worthless as tits on a nun.

Joe:

Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen at birth?
I know you’re a teacher, but if your brain was chocolate it wouldn't fill an M&M.
I’m not saying your dumb, but you’re about as sharp as the leading edge of a bowling ball.
You're so dumb that you went to a Clippers game to get a haircut.

Joel:

You're about as much use as a Betamax video recorder
You’re better at sex than anyone; now all you need is a partner.
Actually, I remember your brother Jay saying you weren’t fit to sleep with a pig, but I defended you and said you were.
When I got in trouble and had to go to the vice principles office, your father once confided in me he spent the first year of your life throwing rocks at storks.

Sean:

Anybody who told you to be yourself simply couldn't have given you worse advice...
Do you want people to accept you as you are or do you want them to like you?
We can always tell when you are full of shit. Your lips move.
If bullshit was dynamite you'd blow this place apart.

Dan:

Are your parents siblings?
Don't you have a terribly empty feeling - in your skull?
When you get to the men’s room, you will see a sign that says, "Gentlemen." Pay no heed to it. Go right on in.
You're so nasty that when you take off your underwear it sounds like Velcro.

My Partner: Rorge

He told me he is ready to do the work of three people this weekend. Too bad he’s only capable of emulating Larry, Moe, and Curly.
This guy is like the missing link…Any similarity between him and a human is purely coincidental!
You smell so bad you make Right Guard turn left; you make Secret obvious; you make Speed Stick slow down; and you get Sure confused.
You all may say that my partner is the perfect idiot. I say that he’s are not perfect, but he’s doing alright.

To everyone:

There are several people in this world that I find obnoxious and you are all of them.

Rays Rant 2009

In previous years, I have managed to bust enough balls online to make any number of people stand up, point at me, and yell “F*CKER!” If memory serves, there have been only two people in the history of this wonderful, raunchy thing we call DOOKIE that have ever been censored…Congratulations are due to Junior (and me!) This year, I tried an experiment and all of you message board posters were the test subjects.

The Experiment:

I intentionally did not post inflammatory items on the message board to see which direction the posts on the guestbook would take, therefore observing the native Dookie’s behavior in their natural, unmodified surroundings.

The Results (presented as “themes” to each post):

Everyone: Pee on Junior (this theme is approaching the status of ETERNAL.)

Mr. Hare (I am not a relative): “Hitting below the belt is funny…and encouraged.”

LOVE IT!

Stein: “I’m gonna carry Rorge to another Dookie victory.”

Good luck carrying Rorge anywhere. Also, quit leading the big guy on, in his later posts, it is obvious that he is starting to believe your B.S.

Rorge: “Memory lane is fun…let’s talk about the hill parties, drinking like we were 18 and my hot pickles.”

While my first impulse is to run away when Rorge starts talking about his “pickle,” I am, however; strangely enticed by his offer.

Pudgey: “I like memory lane, too. By the way, did I tell you about my ‘hot pickle’ from the Tijuana hooker and the donkey show?”

I wish my imagination had eyes, because I would pluck them out after the vision that popped into my head when I read this. For the record, the whole “eye popping” thing would not be the result of the mental image of the hooker…or the donkey.

Oaks: “Blah blah blah, MY GLASSES! Blah blah blah So Co blah Firewater blah blah we were dumbasses and put shitty beer in a gym bag blah blah blah wrecked my crappy car blah blah blah Pukie was fast at work earning his nickname blah blah blah stoopid coppers.”

When it comes to your story telling skills, um, let’s say it’s a good thing you were a bouncer. I’d add more to this retort, but it’s starting to feel like I’m picking on a retarded kid.

P.S. You sign off your post with “Tootles?!?!” Dude, seriously…<facepalm>

Pukie: “I’m a weatherman and the weather this weekend is going to be great!”

Saturday’s forecast, as of Friday at 9:23 AM: Showers and thunderstorms likely. Highs in the lower 80s. Southwest winds 10 to 15 mph. Chance of rain 70 percent.

As usual, you are wrong. (By the way, I REALLY want you to be right and so I’ve tried to help out by sacrificing two chickens and 1 goat to various weather gods.)

Junior: “Dur-hur..fags...I’m an internet tough guy…d-bags…dur-hur…look at my cup…LETS ROAST A PIG!”

I think you’ve got the right idea with the whole pig roast idea, but unfortunately, the only thing I can focus on when reading your posts are the sounds of your dragging knuckles and mouth breathing.

Vice Chairman of the Pee on Junior Committee: “Junior blows dog and I ain’t afraid to tell it how it is!”

Finally, someone has the balls to step up and do some REAL ball busting. Oh wait; they signed their post as the “Vice Chairman of the Yada-Yada.”

Never mind.

Finally, back to:

Rorge: ”Hows come Ray ain’t been posting?”

Now you know. I’m glad to hear that the ankle is doing well.

A Personal Message From Me to You

As most of you are keenly aware, I cannot remain silent for long. I think that the first page of this handout proves this well enough. Regardless, when I force myself to sit quietly and observe, as in “observe an internet message board,” I tend to “overflow” with opinions and observations that if left unsaid, will cause my head to explode. Please be patient with me as I share some of these observations with all of you, thereby venting the pressure in my brain that is currently reaching critical levels…

Not only does the band you like suck, but you have crappy taste in beer, the last five movies you liked prove you're a moron, and the car you drive is just a rolling advertisement for how lame you are.

Furthermore, your shoes are pathetic, you use the wrong operating system for your computer, and your television preferences indicate a significant lack of brainpower.

You have shitty taste in home deco, you shop at the wrong store, and my God, what are you thinking with that hair style?

You throw like a girl, putt like a “Nancy,” lift your pinky when you take a drink and every suit you call as trump is the wrong one.

Finally:

Terms such as “pole smoker,” “doosh bag,” and “pussy whipped” can’t even begin to describe the way you act, the person you are and how you live your life.

</end rant>

Phew! I feel much better.

With all of that said, I must admit that I include myself in all of the above mentioned groups as well. This may explain why I cannot think of a better group of guys to share the next 48 hours with.

(Except Beiter)

GOOD LUCK AND LETS HAVE A GREAT DOOKIE XI!!