XXV Dookie Letter

Most Honorable Dookie,

Listen!   Can you hear it?

An echo, from half a lifetime ago.

A shout from the boy we used to be. Youth, coursing through our veins still, screams out to us.

It’s not just “that” time again.

Yes. Every summer. Right on cue. We welcome the annual haunting from the spectre of our prime personal wizard.

Clamoring, howling, roaring, showing us a reflection of our once virile selves.

But, this year, this year you can feel a little additional adrenalin ambling among our arteries.

 

Thats because, it’s the *silver* anniversary of the Greatest Tournament in the History of Mankind.

The twenty-fifth time, our select few, will gather together and decide who shall be the Dookie Conquerors of the ENTIRE globe.

When we gather together on that hilly field in Western PA, putting the world to rights, and having a fun fuck-about that just so happens to result in the Conqueror’s of all the World…      we’ll bask in a glow of accomplishment.

We’ll relish that we are still young enough to be doing the same type of thing that we were doing in our early 20’s.  We’ll bathe in Dookie’s past, re-living the best moments of the past couple of decades plus.   We’ll puff our chests out with a sense of pride, at the amount of food and intoxicants imbibed.

But most importantly, we’ll realize how incredibly lucky we are, just to be “playing the game.” Lucky for many reasons, but ask any of us, and we’ll say that brotherhood is one of the biggest.

But, in addition to all that camaraderie and glory, we also ache with the actual pains, of pain.

We punish our livers and our colons. And some of us our lungs.

At this point, I’m sure you could cut us open and count the rings on our liver to determine our “maturity.”

For some, this is the most active weekend of our year. Others, push themselves to meet standout performances of previous Conquests. Others still, seek to peak, in these more “silver-tinged” years.

After a weekend full of greasy food, beer, whiskey, and way too many snacks, each and every one of us are also left with butt-belching magma firebombs.  The lasting reminder of a Dookie well-Dookie’d.

Which implores me to advocate for a greatly underappreciated part of our glorious weekend: Dookie Monday.  Where we exorcize the demons of the weekend (dare I say, of the year??) through our pores and our sphincters.

This is the point where the weak might swear off this debauchery the following year.

But not us.

The exquisite, glorious pain of this day, only redoubles our commitment to the cause.

That’s why we’re Dookies.

It’s hard for outsiders to understand Our Thing.

How does one define something so unique?

Words seem incapable of expressing everything that Dookie is.

Yes, it’s a tournament, but it’s also a party.

It’s serious, but mostly fun.

It’s sport…that can be done while drinking.

It’s one weekend a year, that somehow bleeds into the other 51 weeks.

It’s traditional, but gets slightly tweaked often.

It’s our “chosen” family’s Thanksgiving.

A competitive reunion.

An escape.

Ineffable.

One thing is for sure though: it’s Ours.

Dookie has had many permutations over the years, from two-man partners, to four, and even eight-man teams for our fifteen-year anniversary. The number of events has yo-yoed from three, to six, to five and will be six again this year. The number of guys competing in any given year has been eight, twelve, fourteen, and our full compliment of sixteen. We’ve added round robins to the field events, switched to byob instead of providing half-barrels, found a golf course that doesn’t absolutely suck, and most substantially, moved to a more “campout” feel with bocce instead of bowling and switched to outdoor steel-tip darts. Plus hundreds of small, hardly-noticeable but still-positive, changes in addition.

With all of the unique situations that each of those changes brought, it’s difficult to determine our Annus Mirabilis.

Most people will simply choose the Best Dookie Ever [tm* - Mike Bowser] as being the year that we each individually got our names engraved on that pewter grail.

But this coming year combines so many elements, and sees us sharpen our execution of the events and accompanying activities so much, that I could easily see this year, as being the “Year of Years” for everyone. Win or lose.

Before we look forward, though, let’s revisit and celebrate Dookie XXIV.

Cheers to our Conquerors:

Bob Oakes, Ray Fortuna, Ryan O’toole, Dave Turk

It was Fortuna’s first time getting his hands on the pewter grail.

It’s was O’toole’s sixth Dookie title overall, and his first since 2016.

Turk won his second Dookie championship, with both coming in the last three years.

Oakes won his fifth Dookie title, and fourth in the last eight years. He is the current back-to-back champ.

(only Dan Beiter has won more than two titles in a row: he once won seven straight).

**we’d also like to acknowledge the golf round of Dan Beiter and Ron Collins, who would have shot under par if not for the stableford scoring system**

As always, we need to shout out to Ron Collins for our meals from the Saxon Inn. The food never disappoints, the discount is much-appreciated, and it’s one of the things I look forward to the most when I come home. It’s even ended my Primanti Bro’s obsession.

So, well done and much thanks!

Additionally, we’d like to say thanks to Jay McQuade for bringing his big-boy-toys out to the ranch. It was a welcome escape for some, but was definitely utilized schlepping things up and dahn that hill over the weekend. Much appreciated.

Looking to our past twenty four years,

here are some Dookie Runs:

Bocce is a relatively new event, being around for only four years. Phat McQuade has won the event twice, in back-to-back years. Turk has one victory and two second-place-finishes. Jay McQuade and Mike Bowser are the current title holders. Only seven of the sixteen of us competing this year have won bocce.

Darts has recently been dominated by Oakes. He’s currently won three in a row, five of the last nine, and has eight dart titles in total. Dan Beiter is best overall with ten dart victories, his best run being five wins in eight years. George Henry has seven dart titles.

Jay McQuade has never won the event, but finished in second-place the last three years running, and four of the last five years. Half of us competing this year have never won darts.

Croquet has been recently dominated by Metcalf. He’s either won the event or finished in second-place in each of the last 5 years, only finishing below third-place once in the last decade. He has five overall croquet titles.

Hare has eight croquet titles; his best run being four victories in six years, both being back-to-back. Beiter has five croquet titles.

No one has ever won this event three years in a row.

Jay McQuade has finished in eighth place the last two years running, and four of the last five years. Phat has finished in second place five times in the sixteen years, but has never won the event. There are three people competing this year that have never won croquet: Turk, Phat, and Jay.

Horseshoes has a two-headed monster at the top. Turk has won shoes the last three years in a row. But O’toole is the historic leader, with 3 victories in the last five years, and nine titles overall (going back-to-back two different times). Rory has seven horseshoe titles, stringing three-in-a-row once. Tony Artascos has finished in the top-two places in eight of the last eleven years. Hare had a six-year-span where he won or got second-place every year, winning back-to-back titles twice. Beiter has six second-place finishes, one streak saw him finish in second-place four years in a row.  Jimmy Henry has finished in eighth place the last two years running, and last place in five of the fifteen years he’s competed in this event. Slade once had a streak of four eighth-place-finishes in a row. Four people competing this year have never won horseshoes: Metcalf, Jimmy, Slade and Ray.

Euchre has been on ice for the past couple years. The most current ace on the card table is Ron Collins. He has won six of the last eight times we’ve had this event. He’s won three titles in a row once, and is the current two-time defending champion.

The historic leader is O’Toole. He won seven of the first ten euchre championships, including four times in a row. He’s won eight total titles.

Rory has four titles.  Jay McQuade has finished in seventh-place in four of the six years he’s competed in this event. Bowser finished in eighth-place for four years in a row once. Four people competing this year have never won euchre: Ray, Bowser, Turk and Jay.

Golf is led by Dan Beiter. He won five of the first seven championships, including four titles in a row. He has won the event eleven total times, only finishing outside of the top-three-places five times, in the twenty-three times that he’s competed.

Metcalf has won the event six times, and finished in second-place six times. He has only finished outside of the top-three-places six times in his twenty-two appearances.

Stumpy has won this event three out of the last five years. He once finished in second-place for four consecutive years.

Ray Fortuna has three titles.

O’Toole, Tony, Slade, Bowser and Jay all have two titles each. There are three people competing this year that have never won golf: Oakes, Rory and Turk.

 

NO DOOKIE has won all six of these events.

Several are one event away: Hare needs Darts; Oakes needs Golf; Phat needs Croquet; O’Toole, Beiter, Tony, and Garyn all need Bocce.

LOTS of trends and questions that need answered…

Will Jay be a Dookie Conqueror and get his name engraved on the Mugs for the first time??  (#JayIsTheNewRay)

Will Oakes win his fourth consecutive darts title??

Will Turk win his fourth consecutive horseshoes title??

Will Stumpy win his third consecutive euchre title??

Will *someone* finally win a title in every event that we compete in??

Most importantly…

Will Oakes three-peat as Dookie Conqueror??

Things are fantastically poised for our twenty-fifth conclave.

So now that we’re caught up on the past, let’s look to the future….

“When he landed on the shores of the new world Spanish Captain Cortez ordered his men to burn their ships.

You must “Conquer or Die.”

Dookie XXV -

 

This method will be the most unique way of determining the Conquerors that we’ve ever devised. Hopefully it will result in the most balanced and contested tournament in our history.

Partners will be selected “King of the Hill” style.

We’ve taken each persons historical data and generated their average-place-finish in each of the 6 events.

So for each event, we‘ll arrange the competitors into pairings of polar opposites.

 

The Dookie Power Rankings [tm*]will see the top-ranked and bottom-ranked competitors in each event paired together.

The second best, with the second worst.

The third best, with the third worst.  And so on.

Partners will change for each event.  So, at the end of the weekend, we will all have different total scores.

The Dookie XXV Conquerors will be the top two overall points getters on Sunday afternoon after bocce.

There will only be 12 guys competing this year. Because of fewer guys, that means fewer games, so we’ve altered the order of events slightly. This will let anyone catch an early shift at work on Thursday, if they so wish.

But for those who still want to make it a full day on Thursday, some of us will be going all day that day, as well. Everyone is welcome out.

The 4-day Dookie weekend will proceed as follows:

Thursday July 6th      (>5PM start<)

We will begin our festivities with Jeff Metcalf cheffing us a steak dinner (or fish or chicken, it’ll be your choice).

This was a tradition that the Originals used to start every Dookie with; it’s a great time to reminisce and to look forward, especially with a belly full of grilled meat.

Hopefully, Oakes will bring some of his homemade red wine to toast our feast properly.

~Croquet will be played until dark. Partners are:

Sean & Tony

Jeff & Ray

Dan & Phat

Oakes & George

Jimmy & Garyn

Bowser & Ryan

 

~Euchre will be next, with all games ending at midnight. Partners are:

Ryan & Bowser

Jimmy & Ray

George & Phat

Dan & Sean

Oakes & Garyn

Tony & Jeff

 

As guys get knocked out of Euchre, there will be a small fire pit burning behind the garage (*not* the big bonfire up on the hill, it’s a smaller one that we’ve never used before).  Poker chips will also be available, as tables open up.

 

Friday July 7th         (9am start)

 

~Golf at Spring Church.

We will provide a hot dog and a 6-pack at the turn. Partners are:

Dan & George

Jeff & Tony

Garyn & Sean

Oakes & Ray

Ryan & Jimmy

Phat & Bowser

 

Return to the Dookie Ranch for a dinner of Saxon Inn at 4pm.

 

~Croquet until dark or completion.

 

~Darts is next, played from start to finish. Partners are:

Dan & Jeff

George & Phat

Oakes & Ray

Garyn & Jimmy

Ryan & Sean

Bowser & Tony

 

This will be a long day, so Oakes and Hare will be making homemade pizzas to eat during darts. The small fire pit behind the garage will again be burning, as people get knocked out.

 

Saturday July 8th       (10am start)

 

~Finish any remaining Euchre.

~Horseshoes, from start to finish. Partners are:

Ryan & Jimmy

Garyn & Jeff

Dan & Phat

Sean & Bowser

George & Ray

Tony & Oakes

 

Food all day will be provided by Bob Oakes and Mike Bowser.

Think: smokey meat sweats.

 

There are no events Saturday evening. Instead, we will have a big bonfire to celebrate our past tradition of “family day.”

Past competitors and friends will be invited to attend.

Please invite your loved ones out.

 

Sunday July 9th        (10am start)

 

~Cleanup any remaining Croquet.

~Bocce, from start to finish. Partners are:

Phat & Jimmy

Sean & George

Garyn & Bowser

Ryan & Ray

Oakes & Tony

Dan & Jeff

Lunch will be leftovers from Smokey Saturday, and pizzas.

~Crown the King of the Hill Conquerors~

 

So, as you can see, we’ve added an extra day to Dookie weekend this year, but slowed the pace down even more. This will allow us *all* to observe the events as they progress, but it will also allow the eventual champs to relish in their accomplishment rather than just quickly moving on to the next event. Each dog will have its day, so to speak. And again, we’ll have different partners for each event, so you’ll be spending time with different people all weekend. Plus, bocce is the only event on Sunday, so we don’t see us going too far into the afternoon the last day.

 

Each and every year we tweak Dookie *just* enough to make it even more fun and exciting than the past ones. I’m certain that this iteration will thrill more than any other in our storied history.  The Power Ranking partners is something that we’ve talked about doing for years. This feels like the culmination of all the Dookie’s before it.

 

This years RSVP amount will be $350 and is due to Ryan O’toole as soon as possible.

 

So, to sum it up, in two and a half decades…. we’ve gone from two and a half kegs, to two and half cases, but we still fucking rage.

 

An apotheosis has been achieved, with glorification of the Dookie Divine, and I’m honored that we are all congregants.

 

No matter what motivates us, or what pulls us along kicking and screaming, the Silver Age of Dookie has arrived and brings with it both the comfort of our midsummer classic, and a renewed meddle to continue our shithousery indefinitely.

 

With all of the mounting obligations in our lives, this is often the one time a year that we get to see each other. Especially getting together as a group. It’s the biggest, and sometimes only, thing keeping us close.

Dookie is the glue for us all.

 

I believe it was Confucius who said:

“Life, is merely the interstice between Dookie’s.”

 

Be that, brothers. Be that.

 

In the Dookie Bond, see yinz in July,

 

Pudgey Dookie